codecalla

There’s a tiger on my wall–well, more of a small diamond shaped mirror inscribed with a tiger.  He looks out and compels me to write, to focus, to push through the barriers that I create.  Ironic that I’m excellent at creating barriers when I want to create.

A few themes come to mind tonight…first is acknowledging that through all of my faults I am learning through experiences.  I find myself thrown about by events beyond my control and even the challenges of determinism vs. free will cannot always make inroads into my anxiety.

Another theme is combating the idea of laziness…that perhaps I’m just lazy and that’s why I am not completing anything–once again, casting blame upon myself for my lack of creation.  For the past few years I’ve been working 3, 4, and 5 jobs at once, so I know it’s not laziness.  It’s being overwhelmed.  And some have said laziness doesn’t exist as we define it–there’s something else going on…so there’s that.

Another theme that confronts me is tolerance.  At what point does a tolerant person set boundaries?  I consider myself tolerant, but I also have boundaries.  I find myself despairing in discordant times.  I myself prefer harmony, but how can we pretend to be harmonious in times of suffering?

I have lost three of my best companions in life–my beloved Dickens, Boo, and Lina, to diseases of old age in cats since 2016.  I have new companions, who I also feel are the best companions, but I still miss my beloveds.  October is a sad month for me, but I have felt the losses of past human loved ones ease with time–but October is once again a sad month of remembrance.  Sometimes I feel them reaching out to me with a laugh, a smile, or something that I think they’d enjoy.  So hopefully it will become a month of joy and happy remembrances.

Writing through loneliness helps concentrate the energy, I think.  What kind of energy do I want to put out there?  Healing, loving energy?  Joyful energy?  Compassionate energy?  Kindness?  I feel that I fail at these when I find myself angry at situations beyond my control.  Accepting the anger as part of me seems the pathway out of the dark woods.  So I am angry.  Accepting the grief that I hold within, as if a secret, is another key.  I am filled with sorrow.

There’s a tiger on my wall and he’s pushing me through the barriers–encouraging me to be courageous.  To do the things that scare me…so I will try.