Posted by: codecalla | December 24, 2020


This year has been excruciating for so many people.  The collective sorrow, fear, rage, and anger has spread throughout the world.  Love too, has been shining throughout.  Acts of love were not as simple as one might think.  Mask wearing is an act of love, not only of self, but of those who live around us or may just be passing through.  Social distancing and isolating were also acts of love.  For anyone who did their best to show that love, thank you.

For those who listened to misinformed voices, suggesting hoaxes and control, and refused to listen to any information that contradicted their ideas, and put people at risk because of their ignorance…my words fail.  I hope that you have learned and are learning to consider others before yourself; I hope that you and those you love were not part of the casualties of this pandemic; I hope that those you put at risk because of your ignorance were not part of the casualties of this pandemic.  But…that is unlikely.

The act of raging at someone who is wearing a mask and asks the same of you is one of fear…housed in that fear and begetting more fear.  The act of creating protests that deliberately put communities at risk so that egos can be satisfied that they were “right” is reprehensible.  Why are these protests different than the protests that came with the words “I can’t breathe”?  They are similar in that groups feel persecuted.  They are vastly different in reality.  Those who feel threatened by caring about their community vs those who ask to be cared for…night and day.

There are so many people suffering right now.  Loss of life, loved ones, stability that incomes bring, housing, hope…but we do have hope.  We have the hope that those who have worked tirelessly to bring–vaccines that can offer the future.  We have love, love that we can keep working through our communities and hope that it will be felt and shared as we try to do the next right thing.

Right now there are ways to help those who are suffering, who are afraid, who lost their businesses, families, friends, and ways of life.  Whether you acted with love or fear throughout the pandemic, you’re still loved.  You matter.  It is my hope that you recognize others matter too.

Posted by: codecalla | February 29, 2020

Leap Year

It’s hard to resist that call to write something on a day that comes so infrequently.

Finding the courage to leap forward into a new beginning; a different path, a new relationship, a new career or calling takes time.  This day is perfect for gathering those forces.

Answer the call, seems to be the message.  Be patient and move forward…


Posted by: codecalla | November 14, 2019

Power of Musing

One of the things I’m starting to spend more time upon is being more mindful. Yesterday I had a panic attack, through grounding and questioning I was able to get through it. I don’t know how others deal with their anxiety or panic attacks, and I don’t think people should feel that they have to invalidate others’ experiences in order to feel authentic to their own experiences. I panicked and freaked and had to figure out how to calm down, which wasn’t easy.

Mindfulness or tracking down the cause behind my situation felt healing. I recognized the causes, but processing the emotions and physical aspects of the panic took some time. Asking why helped me and I was able to find footing where previously I felt in a free fall.

I’m thankful for learning to be more mindful. I hope that I will be able to keep learning and growing within myself. Best wishes.

Posted by: codecalla | October 18, 2019

There’s a Tiger on my Wall

There’s a tiger on my wall–well, more of a small diamond shaped mirror inscribed with a tiger.  He looks out and compels me to write, to focus, to push through the barriers that I create.  Ironic that I’m excellent at creating barriers when I want to create.

A few themes come to mind tonight…first is acknowledging that through all of my faults I am learning through experiences.  I find myself thrown about by events beyond my control and even the challenges of determinism vs. free will cannot always make inroads into my anxiety.

Another theme is combating the idea of laziness…that perhaps I’m just lazy and that’s why I am not completing anything–once again, casting blame upon myself for my lack of creation.  For the past few years I’ve been working 3, 4, and 5 jobs at once, so I know it’s not laziness.  It’s being overwhelmed.  And some have said laziness doesn’t exist as we define it–there’s something else going on…so there’s that.

Another theme that confronts me is tolerance.  At what point does a tolerant person set boundaries?  I consider myself tolerant, but I also have boundaries.  I find myself despairing in discordant times.  I myself prefer harmony, but how can we pretend to be harmonious in times of suffering?

I have lost three of my best companions in life–my beloved Dickens, Boo, and Lina, to diseases of old age in cats since 2016.  I have new companions, who I also feel are the best companions, but I still miss my beloveds.  October is a sad month for me, but I have felt the losses of past human loved ones ease with time–but October is once again a sad month of remembrance.  Sometimes I feel them reaching out to me with a laugh, a smile, or something that I think they’d enjoy.  So hopefully it will become a month of joy and happy remembrances.

Writing through loneliness helps concentrate the energy, I think.  What kind of energy do I want to put out there?  Healing, loving energy?  Joyful energy?  Compassionate energy?  Kindness?  I feel that I fail at these when I find myself angry at situations beyond my control.  Accepting the anger as part of me seems the pathway out of the dark woods.  So I am angry.  Accepting the grief that I hold within, as if a secret, is another key.  I am filled with sorrow.

There’s a tiger on my wall and he’s pushing me through the barriers–encouraging me to be courageous.  To do the things that scare me…so I will try.




Posted by: codecalla | January 24, 2018

Adventures Continue

Lately I’ve been reading scores of books via my e-reader, especially from library apps that make it easier to borrow.  One of my favorite apps is Overdrive, which syncs with my library and I can borrow at will and read from a comfortable position.  The stacks of books around my apartment get higher and higher, and the electronic book seems an easy fix for the moment.

I’ve recently taken up interest in quilting, getting a lesson from my aunt on sewing and piecing techniques.  The quilt that I started as a lesson is not yet finished, but that has more to do with getting strep throat than it does lack of interest.  I now have to rework the stacks of books and make room for a crafting area.  So I have been working on de-cluttering, which is difficult because I have stuff that I love and stuff that just gets in the way.  So it’s an effort to organize.

I’ve also recently taken a workshop on beading, and managed to weave a bracelet.  I think creative endeavors take the sting out of life’s obstacles and make it more interesting.  Rather than only be the sum of a paycheck, I am working my way through new skills.  I’m hopeful to find more constant work, and thus have more time to devote [without anxiety] to creative work.  Breaking through creative blocks [not lack of inspiration, but lack of concentration] is my current situation.

Peace and love to all.



Posted by: codecalla | November 19, 2017

Mini Adventures

Recently I’ve been working on mini-adventures, trying to shake off the dust of the everyday grind and find my creative sparks.  Or, I’m engaging in world class procrastination…what you will.

Today I embarked upon the adventure of watercolours.  Well, just a two hour class, really.  I have much to learn, young grasshopper self, heh.  With watercolours, it seems that the colours fade quickly and getting the right mix of colours is important.  Unfortunately, I find myself at a loss on the color wheel, because I haven’t memorized it.  More colours means more diversity and creativity, which is beautiful.  Also, brushes…how do I handle the brush to get an even color or stroke?  If I’m too forceful, it looks like a glob…so watercolour is challenging, but interesting.

So in the future, I will continue to try new things, keep working at those things I’m not good at and maybe, eventually, I will create something I love.  Until then…here are my attempts.  One is a predrawn sketch, and the other, my attempt at a colour wheel.

Posted by: codecalla | November 15, 2017


What does courage mean?  Does it mean facing our deepest fears and coming out unscathed?  Does it mean running away, and then turning back again?  Courage happens in the smallest acts.  For a writer, it means braving the loneliness of writing, listening to the characters’ voices, and making decisions or following their lead.

For now, my courage means moving forward, listening to the Muse, and trusting that my words, like arrows, will find their niche.

So I will string my bow, lift my arm, and try not to thwapp my forearm or cheek with the string as I release “my word hoard”–thank you, Beowulf.

Posted by: codecalla | November 10, 2017

Waste no Time

I’ve made decisions to do the things I want to do and not wait for the “perfect moment”.  So, I’ve been having more adventures and shake ups to my everyday routine.  One such shake up is learning to paint.  I’ve taken two painting sessions with a paint and sip event [no sipping for me, just painting], and plan for a few more.  I’ve also started movements on other things that a brilliant procrastinator like myself thinks of doing, but doesn’t.  Slowly, step by step, I’ll get to the important stuff.  Perhaps it was Longfellow’s poem Psalm of Life, or perhaps it’s the realization that sometimes you have to act to make things happen.



Posted by: codecalla | October 28, 2017


October is usually a sad time of year for me.  I’ve lost many loved ones during October.  Now is the time when the veil between the living and dead is lifted, when we are more aware of the finite limitations of the living world and the unlimited beyond.

If we followed the old festivals, which followed the patterns of the seasons, harvest, and natural living, we’d feel a closer connection to life.

Instead, we are encased in technological boxes, hardened by plastics, fuses, welds…if you can, take a moment and disconnect from the wired limits and view the boundless around you.  It can be terrifying, beautiful, sad, and breathtaking all at once.IMG_0876

Posted by: codecalla | October 20, 2017


How much more difficult is it to face the shadows within ourselves?  How much more difficult is it to accept that those negative feelings exist?  How much more freeing is it to recognize it and accept it?  Then, after accepting that those feelings exist, figuring out how to deal with them?  Instead of hating the self that feels negative emotions, love the self that feels.  Then ask why do I feel that particular way?  Is there anything I can do?

Acceptance and love are much more freeing than hatred and shame.  It’s like nature.  It just is.IMG_0883

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